August 29 06

Tonight I just wanted to kiss her so bad!  These last two nights have exhausted me emotionally.  Those eyes, those lips; all of her is just so… beautiful and desirable to me.  She seems not to even notice the effort which I put into her… I don’t know what she is thinking and that really frustrates me!

 Four nights ago we were lying with each other and there was this boundary; a boundary in which I could not pass without finding myself in trouble.  I became outraged in a sense, outraged with myself and how I was feeling.  Having her in my arms was… it was… it made me smile.  I don’t know how to easily describe the feeling; I know it was just there.  Kayl could see that I was bothered by something and soon went to bed; leaving her door slightly open, she has never left her door open.

 I just sat in the living room thinking.  Soon I knocked on her door and asked

[This is by far not word for word]
“Are you Attracted to me?  Please don’t lie.”

“Yes.”

“Ok well… I am becoming frustrated with…with this whole situation.  I know that I am allowed to cuddle you. There is this line, a line that seems to move every night.  I obviously really like you Kayl; this being close with you is unbelievable.  Yet… this line, this imaginary line is killing me.  I know what I want to do with you, but because we are not together is it is becoming hard for me to be physical with you.”

 We didn’t really say much after that.  I went back into the living room and played my acoustic.  Soon after she came out and sat on her laptop.  After about ten minuets she looked at me and said she had written me something.

i really dont want to hurt you. and im scared i already have. and i feel realy bad. i dont want to fuck up our friendship, i dont want things to be awkward. i have no idea what to do. maybe we should stop the physical part untill i get my shit figured out. and i feel dumb not talking to you in person bout this since you are sitting right here. but yah .. im braver over the net i guess. lame. i dont want things to change tho. i still want to hang out LOTS, i still want that close "bond" that we have. i have fun with you.

We didn’t really say much after that.  I went back into the living room and played my acoustic.  Soon after she came out and sat on her laptop.  After about ten minuets she looked at me and said she had written me something.

 I went back to her and confronted her.  I would not talk over an e mail.  I asked her if she truly wanted to stop being physical, she said no and I said no as well.

 One thing that really hurt me was that one of the reasons she didn’t want to be in a relationship was because she would loose some of her friends.  Stab me in the eye Kayl.

 By the end of the night, early morning, we had been more physically open with each other than we had ever been.  We had resolved nothing and I desired her even more.

I SOUND SO FREKEN CREEPY! FOR FUCK SAKES!

August 22 06 *

Thursday night I went and got Kaylena.  She looked very pleased to see me and I was ecstatic to see her.  On the way home, she unleashed her week on me; it is nice to know that someone needs you [not that she does] to freely express themselves.  Jo, I feel, is like that with me, I got to see her this week and that was so nice.  I miss hanging out with her and having her to talk to all the time. She was someone I could talk to when ever anything was bothering me and me the same to her.  But anyway, Kayl and I got home [I cannot believe that it is our home] around 12. She found my little treasure hunt I had made for her and slowly she worked her way closer to the treasure.  We put in the Butterfly Effect and we somewhat watched it.  I feel so happy when she is in my arms; the feeling is not because I am lonely and she is filling that, it’s because of her and who she is and what she stands for.  Having someone of that beauty and that personality so close to me makes me gitty; the feeling is weird and creepy and honestly, I cannot express how I truly feel onto a key pad.

The next morning I went to work. That day was awfully slow.  I had come home for lunch and made some KD and a sandwich for me and Kayl.  She said one of her friends, her ex boyfriend was coming over; however, she didn’t want him too. I was still there home when he showed up.  Kaylee seemed to feel safe that I was there; I could see that she didn’t want … there but I could see in her eyes that she knew I wouldn’t let anything happen.

When I got home from work, we went up to the mall and Kayl got a CD [I cannot remember who it was, the red jumpsuit apparatus, no um; taking back Sunday, it think that was it] She was so excited about it.  I wanted to get the new Slayer CD but I held off.  We then went home for a little while and had some time to waste before Pulse started.  I didn’t waste it at all.  Pulse was a bad movie; though, Kaylee grabbed my hand and held it the whole movie =]. The people in the theater were, by far, more exciting then the movie itself.

We rented that Texas Chain Saw Massacre and headed home.  We made some sandwiches and went for a picnic late at night.  I really enjoyed myself.  I really enjoy being by Kayl’s side.  The stars were out and so where the drunk people.

We tried to watch TCSM but we fell asleep together.  I woke up and went to bed.  One of Kayl’s friends called and needed to hang out, I told her to leave the phone with me and make sure she tells me when she gets back so I don’t worry.  I woke up the next morning with her in my arms. She had crawled into be with me.  I was pretty stoked about that.

I had to go to work again.  When I got home Jordan was waiting for me to show me out new PA speakers. So big so nice.  We Went to Music world and got the PA sound board/mixer and her left for Kristina’s.  Kayl and I started to drink a little.  We were going to Jon’s to have a little get together. We just walked on by and ended up walking to the Voo to meet one of her friends.  We got a ride back up the hill, thank the heavens.

That night, I don’t know.  I don’t like the fact that we did what we did when we where Drunk not that, well it does mean a lot, it moves us forward physically.  I don’t like doing new things with a girl when I m drunk. But it happened and that is all I can say.  We fell asleep on the futon together until Kayl got Closter phobic.  I went to bed.

The next day we went to find Kayl some lip gloss and some flip flops.  Success.  We went down to riverside and sat.  When we got back home I was feeling, well, I was frustrated with the feeling of being close to her but not feeling I can reach out and touch her.  I went for a walk and listened to the Slayer CD I bought that day.  I came back and instantly Kayl left for church.  She was worried about me but I wouldn’t open up to her.  She came back later that night and we cuddled and laughed together.

Then she left for Clearwater again. =[

August 15 06

"so i was thinking bout when you asked me to dance. that was the sweetest thing ever.  that tops anything a guy has ever done for/with me. it was so cute. your so silly. =]

                                                                    <3"

August 14 06

Kayl moved in this Wednesday [finally]; I was screaming with glee on the inside; though, only smirking on the outside.  The sheer joy of seeing the beautiful girl move in with me was very overwhelming and scary in the sense that I may not be able to control myself towards her.  Her knowing of my attraction to her never seemed to deter her from moving in.  I was surprised with that but very happy that she is extremely comfortable with me.

It did not take very long to move all of her things into the apartment where Khym’s possessions still linger.  Her daddy said goodbye and so Kaylee and I started to move some things around.  She soon became occupied with her room; I did not want to intrude so I sat on the futon that she had brought and quickly [with no warning] fell asleep. Damn.  Kaylee sat up till 3 am wanting to talk to me but I just never woke up, I was all tuckered out.  I woke up just after 3 and missed her, so I headed to bed.

We both woke up mighty early the next morning.  I had to work at 12 so I got some things done and had to leave.  Work seemed slow because I wanted to be somewhere else.  I did come home for lunch and my mom was there and had made me some things to eat, SO GOOD.  Back to work I went in the pouring rain, to wait out the rest of my shift.

I got home around 820 and my mom had supper made, SO GOOD.  After some hanging out, my mom went to bed and it was just me and Kayl left to talk to each other.  I was on the futon again, my bed for the night; I got up for a second and came back and Kaylee was lying where I had been looking at me with her pretty eyes.  I lay beside her and we talked and we made each other laugh and smile.  She was trying to push me off the futon, and almost did. Then all of a sudden she pulled me into her lips.  I was so surprised with her, things escalated and we ended up just lying, holding each other half asleep until 3 in the morning.

That next morning me and mother went down to Denny’s for Breakfast.  We got back to the apartment and Kaylee looked so beautiful [I don’t know what she does to me and I just can help but be attracted to her].  Mom and I spent most of the day together, doing odd little things.  At 630ish I went down to Mike’s and we jammed for our show on Saturday.  He came back to my place and we watched one of our shows that we had done.

Mom was impressed; still it is nothing like a live show. Kayl mother and I then watched Red October, I think.  We then started to watch American History X, and both mom and Kayl fell asleep.  Mom went to bed then Kayl woke up and we slowly got physically closer that night.  She finds it so surprising that I take my time with her.  I really like to run my hands through her hair; it is so soft and straight.  I really hate that no one she has been with has ever appreciated her.

That night I got even less sleep.  The day didn’t start out the best and I took off to relax. I tried to confront the problem that arose; however, I could not make a resolution, so I had to leave.  That scared my mom and even Kayl.  Though, by about 330 we made it down to the Hot Night in the City, so many nice cars.  I had a Metal show at 900 and so I got prepared for the intensity that was to come upon me.  The show went really well.  I messed up a fair amount but the energy on stage was insane.  Children of Flies threw down yet another great show.

Jordan and I came back to my house, Kayl was waiting up for me and him, we sat and talked a little and then Jordan started to feel emotionally stir.   I tried to sooth him as best I could and he went to bed.  Kayl and I just sated up together once again, it was really nice.

At 700 I had to take Jordan to the Husky so he could get to work, Kayl came along too.

We got back to my place and so I threw in a movie and we snuggled together and soon we both fell asleep.  For lunch we went up to Costco, I treated and then my mom bought me a lot of groceries. SHWEET.  The day winded down, Kayl went to Church then went back to Clearwater till Friday.

She is such a fun girl to be with.  Her smile makes me smile and the way she looks at me and the way she holds me and the ways she kisses….                    So good.